Not too much to really tell about this week, other than I was glad to had finally completed all of the major assignments that needed completing on Monday night, almost into Tuesday morning. Let’s hear it for procrastination! I’m horrible about finishing my homework on time, yet there are times when I can do my homework way ahead of schedule and feel freed of having to do it. I don’t know what I would do without pressure sometimes. But I’m pretty happy to see that I’ve made it somewhat consistantly to week eight without dropping a single class. In previous quarters, I would lose focus and have to drop. So since today was /the/ last day to drop with a W, that means I’m in it for the long haul. Which is good. I need these 19 units so I can finally be declared a freaking sophomore! I’ve already registered for fall quarter, and next Monday morning, I’ll register for summer quarter (10 units), to help get some of the crappy GE courses out of the way.

Tomorrow, I start researching my second term paper for history, while also completing the Japanese homework and hopefully getting a start on Math homework so I don’t have to worry about getting it done on Tuesday night. Or at least, get enough of both done tomorrow that I don’t stress too much about it Monday night. Not to mention, I still have my final in Philosophy to get done, too. I’ve decided to visit a Buddhist temple to write about my experience with… oh, that reminds me, I still need to check my grade for my most recent essay. It was on Christianity, and I gladly shared my views with my family over lunch the next day. That went over like a fart in church, but at least they know where I stand. Maybe I’ll post my essay up here, maybe not.

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The appropriate amount of time has passed between then and now. It’s time to finally write up a little bit of commentary on recent events. However, since the following rant may have very little relevance to many people, read on only if you understand the context. Otherwise, do not, because it is not going to make much sense to you.

I am the head admin of a couple of projects that have been near and dear to my heart. One of which has existed for over six years, the other for nearly five years. Both projects involve(d) some of the same people, and both projects were related to one another. One is actually dependant on the other. As I said before, both projects involve some of the same people and so when a person abandons one project, it’s somewhat of a disappointment and tends to affect the other project some.

As a head admin, I’m given to making certain policy decisions that not everyone is going to agree with. In fact, being a leader holds those tougher decisions as a primary function. When something is working against the greater good of the project, you have to do whatever it takes to get the group back on track by either resolving or eliminating the problem. If that problem happens to be a member of the group who does not carry their own weight, then you have to dismiss them from the group outright, and either reallocates the resources you currently have or find new resource upon which to draw from in order to pick up the slack left behind by that person.

The decision I made a couple of weeks ago resulted in not only the loss of one, but two people. Do I regret making that decision? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Why? Because the group was suffering due to the inactivity and lack of consistant contribution to the project. One was hardly there to begin with, and was in fact dragging the reputation of the group down due to their absence. The other had displayed such utter illogic in their demands for “rectification” in my decision, which they found fault with, that they left the group in protest. That’s fine. I’d rather they leave than continue to act as obstacles. It had gotten to a point where there was no support for either to remain, though the abrupt departure (rather than dismissal) was just that. In the end, though, the subsequent actions of that individual in relation to the other project, has further solidified my stance. It was definitely time for them to leave and find other things to do with their time. To bring a larger sense of finality to the whole ordeal, it appears that we were better off. Things are flowing far more smoothly than before, though some of the sweeping changes that have been made are a little outside my expectations… they seem to actually be working better than I could have hoped. The new people brought into the group have not only made up for the detriment, but have also exceeded the expectations I had set upon them. If they remain consistant, I don’t see why we would not excel toward our goal above and beyond our deadlines.

Contrary to the belief of one, I am not the same person of old. This is not then, and accomplishments notwithstanding, what you do now is as much important to the goal as what you have done… if not, then it is more important than you realize. If you do not like the way I run things, then all one has to do is leave. However, do not look back at what you left and pine away by lingering on a lack of reason or the supposed hypocrisy of others. You are no better than the other as far as being a hypocrite is, so inasmuch as I love listening to people making judgments on others, I think they need to recognize the faults within before pointing the old finger.

As head admin, it’s my job to make the tough decisions. If in making that decision, I require opinions or suggestions, I will ask for it, listen, and then come to that decision after the last suggestion has been made. Therefore, when I make those kinds of decisions, I expect them to be followed or else the person in question can leave. There are not two head admins for this reason, and if I do not want to spend time having to justify my decision, then I will not. Those who are unwilling to submit to that kind of authority or leadership need not continue to do so. So long as they do, however, then they need to understand something about who has the final word in any decision regarding these projects:

“Mr. Hunter, I’ve made a decision. I’m Captain of this ship, now shut the fuck up.” — Michael Schiffer, Crimson Tide (1995, Hollywood Pictures/Simpson & Bruckheimer Films).

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The seventh week of the quarter has something of an auspicious start, I guess. I started the week off by attending my Japanese midterm exam after spending most of that morning studying. Now, the next project on the list to get done will be the second term paper for History, upon which the topic I have not yet decided. Mostly because it has to deal with Western expansion of the United States and there is just not really too much about it that I’m too particularly interested in. I think I wrote that my first term paper, a biographical piece on Thomas Herriot, received an A- from the professor, which was a nice surprise, considering I figure it for no more than a B (based on a previous submission of the paper). And also, I’m still waiting on the result from my midterm exam in history, which I figure to at least be a B-, since I used a non-lecture source for one of my answers. It wasn’t one of those purposeful uses; it just so happens I had watched A&E, and they were doing a docudrama on Benedict Arnold. One of the questions had to do with the man, and since we’re supposed to cite all sources in our writings, I thought it was a good move to at least mention that since what I was talking about in my answer was neither located in the lecture or the text, to cite my source or risk failing the class outright because of plaguarism. I’m very much anticipating the grade, and I check for it like twice a day at least.

I finally broke down and bought a wireless adapter for my network card, so I’m sitting in the Foothill Cafe with it working, but the signal strength is quite craptacular. But, I’m glad the adapter works as it should, because I really did not want to have to go back to Fry’s to do a return. That would not have been good. The only bad part about hooking up to the wireless lan over here at KCI is that they block all non-web requests, which blows ass. Maybe I can snag a login to the secure network. I just hope this LJ entry goes through…

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After the sixth week of the quarter, I am approximately three-quarters through my midterm set, having completed my philosophy, history, and math midterm exams as of this morning. Luckily, I have the weekend to study Japanese before the next lesson test. As for how I did on the midterms, all I can say is that I aced two, I tanked one, and I’m trepidacious about Monday’s exam, and am trying my best to get through the study guide for it, so that I will ace it just like I did the first exam.

Saw The Matrix: Reloaded. The Kingdom of Asskicking, indeed. I’d go see that a few hundred more times, for sure.

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A lot of strange things have been happening over the course of the week, and I can’t get an overriding problem out of my mind. It’s been pretty present since last December, and it has a lot to do with the fact that I made a choice then that I may be questioning have been questioning since. When I offered to invite into my apartment and live with me, I was nervous about that offer even though I probably didn’t give any sort of outward indication. But, I was not about to let someone go homeless if there was something I could do about it, and it was just the fact that we were in a relationship when the decision was made. Truth be told, back then, had things worked out differently, I think we would not be together right now. If she had stayed up there and not come down, because I’m just not the type of guy to sustain long-distance relationships very well. I would rather not be stuck in limbo for any period of time over a relationship that has no personal contact.

It’s pretty funny if you look at it that way. If she had not come down, then there’s no telling what would have happened. But the last six months has been pretty proof positive that when we’re together, we can make it work. At least, so far.. and I say that to satisfy the fatalistic part of me, which continues to give me warnings about taking this relationship too far. There are times when I look into her eyes and I want to get down on one knee and propose to her, and then there are times when I look at her and realize that one she figures out exactly the kind of person I am, she’ll move on to something/someone better. It’s not a putdown on me, it’s just that I feel myself slipping back and getting comfortable and at the same time my mind is telling me to protect myself and not get comfortable. I got comfortable once and look what happened to me. Logically, she’s not the same person and to be honest, she’s nothing like Stephanie or Marla (thanks be to the gods on the last one). Once could also argue that it’s really because she’s so young that I have an advantage that I’m taking for granted. I don’t beleive it, but it is a possibility. I’m just having a difficult time in getting comfortable with her because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and bean me in the head like a sort of heartwrenching wake-up call from reality. Things sometime feel so surreal to me that I get skittish and freak out, allowing fear to take hold of me and rule my thought-processes to a point where I end up hurting others just to make sure they keep their emotional distance. I’m setting myself up for failure; I’m going so far as to not only say it’ll fail, I’m manifesting the failure in my head to prepare myself for that so-called eventuality.

I’ve been getting tempermental lately, and I think it has a lot to do with this. We had a little conversation last night and that ended up with her crying on my chest, and I just shook my head and wanted to laugh. I felt like I was back in my marriage, near the very beginning, when tears used to have a strange effect on me. While I don’t like to be the cause of tears on anyone, I try not to let them get the best of me out of guilt. And a guiltless man is not something Mel needs right now. So how do I handle this? With all of the emotional crap I’m carrying with me, and despite my best efforts to try and work it through, am I doing any good by her this way? I get jealous easily now, when I didn’t use to before. I do love her, but it seems to me sometimes that it’s not enough. Or perhaps, that I don’t show her enough or tell her enough. I laugh at her when she tells me that she thinks she’s being selfish, because it’s not her that’s being selfish… it’s me. I’m the one who holds back, I’m the one who takes and never gives, and essentially, in the end, that’s going to drain her unless she’s just capable of putting up with it forever.

I find myself wondering if I’m really the person she’s destined to end up with, or if I’m simply a waystation on the path of her life, like I’ve been so many times in the past. I don’t mind either, because we will still have our good and bad times together, for as long as we continue to be together. So far, we’ve proven ourselves to each other many times over the past six months… she more than I, I think. She’s willing to do a lot more for me than I honestly do for her at times, and that makes me think I might be in a lopsided relationship sometimes. But then there are others where I try so hard to make up for that by doing something else. Random little things; gestures, words, even posts like this.

In the end, though, whenever I think about her leaving me, or me leaving her, it’s going to destroy me pretty badly… and that’s not to say what it would do to her, depending on where she is in her life if it happens. She might grow a little older in the next few years and look at herself and wonder what the fuck she’s doing here with me. Like waking up from a bad dream, shrieking at me for corraling her to California and away from her home. The very thought makes me cringe, and depressed. But I’m prepared; armed with my experience and ability to switch it all off for long durations. That may be cold-blooded, but I do what I need to do to keep me sane. I’m not going to come out of this looking like that good guy… and later, when she’s not looking, I’ll mourn over it in my own way. I’m not looking forward to it at all, but I’m not ready to escalate the relationship until I feel more comfortable… and I won’t feel more comfortable until I get over my fear.

I do love her. Very much. I’d like nothing more than to spend what’s left with her, if that’s what’s written. I just wish that I could rid myself of feeling uncertain at times. She deserves better than that.

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The fifth week of the spring quarter ends, and over the past five days I was lucky enough to get my Japanese exam score back to find out that I got an A (96.25%) on it, which is not only good, but far better than I had originally thought, given the fact that I had omitted certain sections of the exam due to either spacing out or just plain not studying. Imagine my surprise when many of the guesses I made were actually correct. Of course, I could attribute that mostly due to the fact that this is actually my third time around taking this class. The same class also yielded the Kanji quiz for that section, and I got a B- (82.5%)… which is exactly what I expected. Turns out that 16.5 out of 20 was what a majority of the class ended up getting, so I don’t feel too bad about that. I’m doing okay in my other classes so far, which is a major surprise. I have my midterm exam in History coming up next week on the 14th. Having already completed my midterm for Philosophy, I got it out of the way and I don’t have to worry about having to complete it at all. Math exam number two is Friday morning next week, the 16th.

Monday afternoon, I went to go see X2: X-Men United at the Century 22 theater. I thought it was much better than the original X-Men, though I really want to go back and watch the first one again to refresh my memory. I guess I’ll have to add X-Men to the pile of DVDs that must be mine. Tuesday, a friend from Redwood City came down to San Jose and we went to the Milpitas Golfland for some DDR action. On the way back, we stopped by Gamestop to visit Todd, and then off to Kinokuniya Bookstore to pick up some new cds and check out the manga. I still need a final project for Japanese 3 for translation work. I get extra credit for it, and in Japanese 2, it’s what raised my final grade from C to B, so I tend to take it very seriously. Unbeknowest to me, though, I had left my credit/debit card on the counter. So when and I went to go see X2 again on Wednesday night, I had him spot me for the ticket while I went inside to withdraw cash from the ATM machine and imagine my shock and fear when I opened my wallet and noticed it missing. I spent the time before the movie started searching the theater and my car and all around my car for the card. I called Todd and asked if I had left it at his store, and then I figured out that it was probably at Kinokuniya. Thursday morning, after classes, I went over there and sure enough, the manager of the store (after checking my ID) returned it to me. I briefly thought about buying something, but I decided to hold off.

The misplacement of my debit card aside, I had a pretty good week. It was just this morning when I came in to work that sucked pretty hard. My boss announced to us all during the weekly meeting that he has submitted his resignation (his departure date a few weeks from now) to HR. This means that not only are we going to lose the VP of IT, but also we’re no longer without a NOC manager. I’m personally and professionally sad to see him go, because I did enjoy working with him and out of the NOC managers I’ve worked with in the past, he’s actually been the best one. For now, I guess we speed up our transition to working over at eBay. We report directly to our CTO, once our boss leaves and even then there’s been no real mention of trying to find another manager to lead us. I assume that our CTO will be filling in until we’re under eBay’s site operations group, and then their management will put us under that umbrella for authority. I’m more than just a little concerned about all of this, but right now all I can do is sit and wait. There’s not much in the way of change that I can personally affect, and that’s both comforting and frustrating at the same time. I want to step up and do something, but at the same time, I just don’t have the drive or time to really contribute anything on a sustained level. I’m literally just along for the ride, at this point, despite the supposed open-door policy upper management has.

We’ll just see what happens.

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1. What colour are your kitchen plates?
White.

2. What book(s) are you reading now?
The World’s Religion’s by Huston Smith

3. What’s on your mouse pad?
I don’t need mouse pads.. I use trackballs.

4. Favourite board game?
Chess isn’t really a board game, but if I had to go with the Parker Brothers’ style, then it has to be Monopoly.

5. Favourite magazine?
Playboy. It’s the only magazine subscription I maintain. And it’s not for the articles… there’s pictures of naked women in there!

6. Favourite smell(s)?
Tied between freshly cut grass at a ballpark, and baby powder.

7. Least favourite smell(s)?
The smell of excrement.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
I’m going to be late for work.

9. Favourite colours:
Red and black.

10. Least favourite colour(s):
Pink.

11. How many rings before you answer the phone?
One at home. I wait for at least a good portion of my ringtone to play and enjoy before I answer my cellphone.

12. Future child’s name?
Boy: Kyuusaku Bob
Girl: Hikaru Ann

13. What is most important in life?
Forty-Two

14. Of all the possible circles of Hell, which are you most likely to be assigned to?
Hell is a mental concept. Technically, I’m there every once in a while.

15. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate, baby.

16. Do you like to drive fast?
Only on Interstate 5.

17. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
The stuffed animal is on the nightstand next to my bed, not actually in it.

18. Storms - cool or scary?
Both.

19. What was your first car?
1986 Ford Aerostar XL - Maroon.

20. If you could meet one person dead or alive, who would it be?
No comment.

21. Favourite alcoholic drink?
Merlot, aged 2-3 years. Preferably Gallo.

22. What is your sign and your birthday?
Gemini, June 19

23. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Sure.

24. If you could have any job, what would it be?
Playing first base for the Giants.

25. If you could have any hair colour, what would it be?
I like my own. Black.

26. Have you ever been in love?
A few times.

27. Is the glass half full or half empty?
Half full.

29. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
If I don’t, then the words on the screen wouldn’t make any sense.

31. What is your favourite number(s)?
4.

32. Favourite sport to watch?
Baseball.

33. What is your single biggest fear?
Spiders.

34. Favourite song?
Too many to list.

36. Ketchup or mustard?
Ketchup.

37. Hamburgers or hot dogs?
Both.

38. Favourite soft drink?
Pepsi

39. The best place you have ever been?
Hawai’i.

40. What screen saver is on your computer right now?
Blank Screen.

41. Burger King or McDonalds?
Wendy’s.

42. Do you know someone right now that you could fall in love with?
Already am.

43. What did you do yesterday?
Worked and slept.

44. What’s your favourite food?
Chicken Au Gratin

45. Where do you see yourself in twenty years?
Eating Chicken au Gratin and playing first base for the Giants.

46. If you had the choice of any superhero power to possess, what would it be?
Intangibility.

48. Who is your favourite classical composer?
It’s got to be Bach.

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It’s pretty fair to say that in the past, we’ve all been burnt by previous relationships. In fact, that’s why we refer to them as previous. If we’re no longer within them, then obviously something went wrong. It’s something of a rare occurance when you have a relationship that parts amicably. Either you mutually just lose interest and can easily part ways, returning your relationship to friends. Or, you end up with a very messy break-up, the likes of which will go down in the annals of local lore as gossip. I’ve had both. I was lucky enough to part amicably with a couple of girls, and on the other hand, I’ve also had some knock-down drag-out fights with exes that would place me way out of character to those who know me very well. I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but I’m going to anyway.

I recall a conversation a while back, when Abbie, one of my friends and exes, looked at me and said, “You’re damaged goods.” At the time, I didn’t quite know what to do with that statement, and I recall thinking about it for a great deal of time, because in a sense… aren’t we all damaged goods? We all survive bad choices and relationships and the hope is after each one, we want to look back at them and learn from those mistakes. But, how in the hell can you learn from a mistake, when you can’t apply it to the next relationship? Do we make a general assumption about the opposite gender and just say “This is so?” I’m not quite sure about that, because each person is different. Sure, we have some sort of weak frame of personality archetypes, but in the end, the individual personalities are too varies to really put some sort of demarkation against it. Even with all these personality quizzes and four-letter abbreviations of ENTJ or INTP, how can we really try and let others define us when we spend our whole lives trying. Does it give us some sort of sick forfillment to apply a title and say, “I’m (this),” just so we’ll feel better about it?

Where do we draw the line? What is it about fear that grips us so tightly that we’ll do or say the wrong thing in order to satisfy a sense of protection against future pain? Life is pain, to steal a phrase from a good movie. Pain lets us know we’re still alive. If we’re going to go through life by protecting ourselves from pain, then we’re really not living as much as we should. As for me, last night I had a conversation that ended up with me tossing and turning all through the night because I had said some things that made me sound like I was pretty much closing up shop and not willing to risk anything anymore. With anyone. I remember a time when I was much younger and I felt like I could take on the world and not worry about the consequences of my actions. With age supposedly comes wisdom, but in reality, I think with age comes a whole hell of a lot of baggage clearly marked “THE PAST.” When is it all right to let that shit go and move on? I don’t know. But maybe now is that time for me. The past is history, and I study the past with great passion. My own personal past holds for me a lot of experience and some minor wisdom learned the hard way. I’m going to try and take the wisdom, and leave the crap where it belongs.

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