Okay, so my work week got seriously jacked… again. Instead of working every single day (which I was actually looking forward to), I’m only working Monday and then my weekend is destroyed outright. Yay. Um, anyway, so the show went really well tonight; I had a tremendous amount of fun being live, but I’m also really glad I get the next two weeks off so I can work on some other things and maybe watch more anime. If it hadn’t been for the fact that this was an old school show, I would have been sunk on watching anything, especially since I’ve been somewhat… *cough* distracted.

I have to start working a little more on Knight Commander. *sigh*

LJ Archive | 2 Comments »

I’m engaged to Julia. We’re going to get married.

Those two phrases keep repeating in my head, in spite of this being a dreadful day at work. Right about now the remorse of the decision should be setting in like it did with Stephanie, but it’s not coming. I keep waiting for the fear to set it like it did the first time I got married, but it’s not coming, either. As a matter of fact, in those moments where I keep thinking about it, the happier I seem to be. Even the reprimand I received earlier isn’t pissing me off anymore…

Yes, it all happened so quickly, but to be fair, it still doesn’t feel wrong. And this is coming from someone who swore he’d never get married again, but it’s amazing how much a person can affect you. I think it’s because we seem to always talk late into the night and come to these decisions in the wee hours of the morning that it feels very surreal. But then, during my normal waking hours it all comes back.

The story, as I can recall it in my sleep-deprived haze:

The day before the concert, I ordered daisies to be delivered to her place. She lives on the tenth floor of her apartment building so I felt that bringing flowers would have been problematic since then she would have to go all the way back up to her floor, put them in water, and then come back down. I had FTD deliver the flowers in a vase, so all she had to do was enjoy them. Daisies being her favorite flower, I opted for those instead of roses… I personally love roses, but these flowers weren’t for me. On Friday, in the middle of the day, I called Julia to get the details and while I was on the phone, the flowers arrived for her and she squee’d. I love her squees. She said the flowers made her happy, and I felt really happy about that. After getting the information from her about times and locations, I began my frantic search for appropriate attire.

I went through four dress shirts and three pairs of pants before settling on my brown shirt and navy blue slacks. I was worried that I would still be underdressed, but I ran out of time to worry about it. I had to put gas in the car and get it up to the city to pick her up. I left a little later than I had wanted, so I floored it all the way up 280 and made it with 30 minutes before 7pm. When she exited her building and got into my car, I was stunned by how beautiful she looked in her skirt. I’m used to seeing her in jeans and a t-shirt (much like my preferred outfit of shorts and t-shirt) and she still looks beautiful in that outfit… the skirt really showed off how sexy her legs are. Julia’s got these perfectly long legs, and as my favorite writer Aaron Sorkin likes to say about long legs, “they go all the way to the floor, my friend.” Ahem. Anyway, I expressed my appreciation for her efforts in a geniune fashion, and she paid me a very kind compliment on my choice in clothing. That made me happy.
We drove over to the Davies Symphony Hall, to see Chaka Khan perform with the San Francisco Symphony. I’ve never been to this hall before, so it was another cool new experience for me. I love exploring parts of the city, and now I know why Julia wanted to crash the Black and White ball back during BWE. Shit, man, if she was wearing anything like what she was wearing that night, I would’ve rented a tux. Anyway, the hall was beautiful and the symphony was magnificent (made me wish I was still playing sax, even though they don’t have saxes in a symphony), and Chaka Khan was absolutely amazing. She was hot! She sang all her hits, plus the new stuff from her most recent album, ClassiKhan. During the concert, at various times, I got to sort of cuddle with Julia in the seats… which was so nice. After the concert, I was very hungry and she suggested we go to Max’s down on Van Ness. Max’s is really cool, though they had no turkey whatsoever. I wanted a turkey burger, no turkey burgers, sorry. Okay, how about turkey meatloaf? No, there’s no ground turkey for the burgers so no ground turkey for the meatloaf, either. Okay, well shit… bring me a damn steak… medium rare. Julia ordered the beef meatloaf, which they had in stock, apparently. The steak was fucking good, though. Holy crap.

I love going out to eat with Julia. Meals are never uninteresting with her around.
By the time we got out of the restuarant, we had to triple-time it back to the parking garage before it closed at midnight. It was 23:56 and we were three blocks up and one over from the garage. She was wearing footwear not really conducive toward running down the block, but she managed somehow. I felt bad for my lack of attention to the time, plus the slowness of the waitress who was obviously swamped with after-concert customers. We made it there just as they were closing down the gate, and the guy closing the gate was really nice and let us in to get the car. She didn’t want to go home (yay), so we headed back to Vista Point. Vista Point was beginning to become a historic point, and it would be once more. We pulled up, and I asked her if she wanted to stand out in the cold and admire the view, but she declined, saying she wanted to sit and be warm/talk with me.

At this point, in my mind, this was one of the best first dates in my own personal history of first dates. Lest we not forget that we’d already admitted our feelings to each other following a Giants game… two days later, we spent 27 hours straight. We talked then about soulmates and recognizing them instantly. I’ve always beleived in soulmates. I know I have encountered people who exhibit that kind of kinship with me, but that’s Todd and Robert. I’ve always regarded them as being like my brothers; we share so much in common and we’ve been close friends for over a decade so far. Sometimes, you meet someone and you hit if off right away. It could be a chance meeting someplace… or maybe it happens when you give someone a ride in your car. No mater the circumstance, I was thankful for the chance and recognizing Julia for who she is.

We talked, and during the periods of silence, I would look at her in the soft glow of the lamps at Vista Point, and I would tell her that I really love her. Maybe run a hand across her cheek and into her hair and around her ear. My heart felt like it was about to burst in my chest, and I remember feeling that I could remain like this for the rest of my life. During the dinner, I had said that there were times when I could see us in five years, still together. I had used a little chickenshittery and said that maybe that kind of thinking was a little weird. She said that she thought the same thing. Later, in the car, we talked about the future, including marriage. My mind’s still in a kind of haze, but I’d like to recall that she asked at that time if I’ve ever seen When Harry Met Sally… and I just kind of blinked and emphatetically said “YES!” When Harry met Sally… was the movie I pretty much watched a gazillion times in high school. I thought it was an awesome romantic film. That was when Julia set up the last scene in the movie for me, and quoted Billy Crystal’s line: “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Okay, so I had this beautiful, intelligent young woman sitting across from me. Not only was she quoting one of my favorite movies back to me, she was also making her point at the same time. I replied by saying that I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. After more silence in the car, following by some caresses… I smiled at her and wondered inside if that was us saying that we wanted to get married. In an attempt to be humorous, I told her, “It seems we decided to get married by quorum; it occurs to me that I never properly asked.” I felt like the moment deserved its due formality. After all, this was a pretty big step we were taking. I couldn’t kneel in the car, so I looked into her eyes and without a doubt in my mind and a heart beating so heavy in my chest I thought I would die, I asked her, “Will you marry me?” I wish I could have taken a picture of the smile she wore on her face when she said, “Yes, I will marry you.”

After that, the rest of the night was spent at Rockaway Beach in Pacifica, with the waves crashing onto the beach serving as the background to passionate kisses and holding each other until the sun rose. I had to return her home, and then zoom back to my apartment for 30 minutes of sleep before reporting for my shift.

I informed my family; they’re all very excited and want to meet Julia. Except my dad… he is out of contact and we’ll have to wait until he touches bases to upload this bit of data to him. I’m sure he’ll be happy, though.

I’m so so so very tired right now.

LJ Archive | 48 Comments »

I just got verbally reprimanded. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I am tired, I am livid, and I’m not going to take this shit anymore.

Today was supposed to be a joyful day, too. Damnit.

LJ Archive | 7 Comments »

Locked to Tap and Julia.

I know you’re not wanting to talk to me, but you’re still my close friend and I love you… but I still wanted you to be among the first to know (my mom, dad, and sisters were actually first):

Julia and I are engaged.

I’m letting Julia handle how she wants the LJ world to know, so keep it under your hat and stuff for now.

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1. Opening Day.
2. The first pitch.
3. Jon and Flemm calling the games.
4. The fog canopy over the ballpark.
5. Driving down Highway 1.
6. Driving on the Golden Gate Bridge and seeing the spires disappear into the fog.
7. The north side of the Gate, watching the city at night for hours.
8. Driving at night.
9. Singing as loud as I can in my car while driving at high speeds.
10. The moment when you heart leaps because you hear the voice or see the face of that special someone.
11. The fact that number ten never goes away.
12. Defeating the intimidating blank white page by putting words on it.
13. Knowing you mean something to someone else.
14. The smell of the grass.
15. Hearing someone scream C’mon Blue at the top of their lungs.
16. The crack of the bat.
17. The smell of the glove.
18. The perfectly executed double play.
19. Closing off the rest of the world and burying myself in a good book I’ve read a million times before.
20. Reading until I can’t see straight.
21. When I put a smile on someone else’s face.
22. Iced tea.
23. Tonkatsu.
24. Learning at least one new thing every day.
25. Meeting new people.
26. Listening to people talk about themselves.
27. A deep, passionate, soul-touching kiss that lasts an hour and makes you whimper uncontrollably.
28. Freckles.
29. Laughter in the bedroom.
30. Sunsets.
31. The ocean.
32. History.
33. Chocolate.
34. Cherries.
35. Ice cream.
36. Tollbooths.
37. Giving affection.
38. Receiving affection.
39. An inside joke that relies on nothing more than a choice phrase.
40. Smiling and not realizing it.
41. Moments of clarity.
42. My sense of humor.
43. Talking to friends on the phone.
44. Wild Cherry Pepsi.
45. A well-made burrito with carne asada.
46. Round Table Pizza.
47. Laughing so hard your sides hurt.
48. Passion.
49. Singing because you’re happy.
50. Expressing myself without fear of reprisal.
51. Swimming.
52. The company of a close friend.
53. Feeling resolute.
54. Intelligence.
55. Easing someone’s pain.
56. When a plan comes together.
57. Anticipation.
58. Writing all day and night.
59. Being hopelessly in love.
60. Intelligent writing.
61. When art moves me to emotional extremes.
62. The moment you step out of the shower.
63. Foreplay that goes on so long that she begs you to finish.
64. A Venti Chocolate Creme Frappucino from Starbucks.
65. Making eye contact while speaking.
66. Inner beauty.
67. The purr of a kitten.
68. Debating intelligently.
69. Diffusing a fight.
70. The taste of a well-prepared steak.
71. Two year old Merlot.
72. Being appreciated.
73. Messing with people.
74. Close friendships.
75. Hugs.
76. The pursuit of happiness.
77. Sending flowers to the one you love and agonizing over what to put on the card (for three hours).
78. Lightly squeezing someone’s hand while holding it.
79. When they squeeze back.
80. Hotel room service.
81. Valet parking.
82. When someone tells me that they will take care of me.
83. Road trips.
84. Mix tapes/CDs.
85. Having a laptop.
86. Playing a saxophone.
87. Marathons of TV watching, induced by a recently-arrived DVD Box Set.
88. Dorama Night.
89. Extra Inning ballgames.
90. Crooning.
91. TiVo.
92. Hair with a hint of red in it.
93. The feel of a suit.
94. Long talks.
95. A modicum of chilvary.
96. The feeling after cleaning something.
97. Cold weather/fog.
98. Good memories.
99. Civil liberties.
100. Hitting it off from the moment you meet.

LJ Archive | No Comments »

So, this week hasn’t been without its downsides, too. However, this post is about the work crap. I told my boss last Saturday that August 30th was my deadline date for either moving into another group for more money, or finding another job someplace else. In any case, I no longer want to work in the NOC, because I am fed up with it. He was pretty dismayed and upset by my forcing the issue. He wanted to talk me out of it, but I’m done. Recent developments aside, I came to this conclusion well beforehand… it’s just now there’s more incentive to carry it out quickly.

I continue to be aggressive in my search for a new job. I interview with HP on the 8th, so that’s good news. I’ll take that new job with higher pay right now.

LJ Archive | 1 Comment »

… and the shitstorm commences. I swear to you, I hate this job so fucking much.

And isn’t the Mal Reynolds frustrated mood icon awesome? Very appropriate.

LJ Archive | 8 Comments »

The funny thing about crushes is that usually, I’ll suppress and dismiss them. Sometimes, they get squashed by perhaps a reality of the personality of the person I’m crushing on. Sometimes, I realize there’s just no way and I’ll defeat myself right then and there. Sometimes, they lead to a close friendship. Rarely do they ever seem to pan out.

I like to think of myself as a straightforward kind of person. I dislike playing mind games. I talk straight and prefer to be up-front about most everything. I play for keeps when my heart is on the line. I prefer inner beauty to outer beauty because looks are transitory. As a possessor of inner beauty only, I understand what’s it like to be dismissed because I’m overweight, so I try my hardest to keep superficial bullshit like looks and weight out of the picture.

As I said, I don’t think of myself as physically attractive in the slightest. What I lack in physical beauty I think I more than make up for in inner beauty, and that being said, whenever I find someone who is remotely interested in me, I can be pretty sure that they’re not interested in me because I look like Brad Pitt (when instead I look like maybe I ate Brad Pitt ;).

Enough with the self-deprecating humor and on to the good stuff.

I was looking for an equal: someone who could keep me on my toes intellectually, someone who could match my passion for some or all of my interests, and someone who had a deep heart.

I found that in (Julia).

We had met when I offered her a ride to ’s birthday party back in the beginning of June. She was funny, smart, and charming. I doubt then she knew how much I enjoyed talking with her, but when I took her home from the party, I knew then that I wanted to learn more about her. As time went on and we became friends and began hanging out with each other in group situations and not, I started to feel the beginnings of a crush.

One Thursday afternoon, on a whim, I mentioned that I had a lunch break coming up and Julia mentioned she was bored and wanted to do something. I picked her up and we went to Pacifica’s beachfront Italian restaurant overlooking Rockaway Beach. I was in the middle of a particularly shitty-ass week at work, and so that ninety minute conversation and company literally turned my week around. I didn’t realize it then, but after that engaging exchange, I was in deep smit. Luckily, at Tap’s insistance, I invited her to the Friday night game that week at Pac Bell and she accepted. Before the game on Friday, I made a full disclosure to Tap, along with my reservations about her reciprocating my feelings.

Tap suggested that I tell her. I declined, for multiple reasons, including cowardice (which I will readily admit to), but the fact was that Julia is leaving for New York by the end of August/beginning of September. Did I really want to either a) admit my feelings, have her shoot me down and then have the rest of her time her be nothing by angsty bullshit or b) say nothing and have as much fun while she’s here? I chose B, because I’m a chickenshit.

We continued to keep in contact via LJ and AIM, and I was trying my best to keep my flirting to a minimum and my emotions as guarded as possible. Tap suggested that I tell her. I declined, again… because the chickenshit status had not yet changed. Two weeks later, Julia and I made plans to go to the Saturday night game where they were going to reitre Gaylord Perry’s number (36). My work week was sucking, but the light at the end of the tunnel was being at the game with her, and I was looking forward to it so much. Julia had been preoccupying my thoughts for nearly three weeks, now, and I knew then that perhaps it was much more than a simple infatuation… I was starting to recognize certain signs that I’d not felt in a long time; emotions that lay dormant and I thought were going to remain so.

After the game, I asked Julia if she wanted me to take her home, and to my delight, she said no. Instead, I pointed my trusty vehicle toward the Golden Gate Bridge, and we parked at the vista point. I love the vista point over looking the city, but it has a special place in my heart as being the site of where I made my one and only proposal. ALSO, since our “marriage” had been annulled, we had to go through another tollbooth and take the chance of getting remarried by the transit authority of California.

We sat there, by the bay and chatted… listened to the soundtack from Avenue Q that she made me a copy of (<3). The conversation, as it usually does, turned to relationships. I felt myself wanting to tell her everything, but I let the conversation continue without it until she had mentioned that she had been without a relationship in over six years. Six years. I said that I could not beleive that a person as attractive as she would be without a date or someone pursuing her (yeah, she already had one :P), and subsequently I told her that if she weren’t moving to NYC, I’d ask her out.

There was some silence in the car, followed by a quiet, “Really?” I said, “Absolutely.” And just let it all out. After all, the chickenshit lameass caveat was still in the air, so I had some cover.

More silence. I swear to you, I felt my heart convulsing in my chest. Before I could fill the silence with more chickenshittery, she said that she felt the same way about me and I remember that I wanted to sing because I was so damned happy.

Even though she’s moving to New York, and I’m going to be in California, we decided to make the most of the time she has left here. In truth, I’d rather do nothing but be with her every day, but that’s not going to be possible, so we’ll take as much as we can get. She and I have both expressed a severe dislike of long distance relationships, but in all honesty, I’d be willing to break my resolution for her, because she deserves more than to be a summer fling. No, I’m all in, people. I really am.

I’m in love with Julia, and I’ll be around for as long as she’ll have me.

LJ Archive | 29 Comments »

… !

“… and the Lord said, ‘Go Sox!’”

LJ Archive | 2 Comments »

Two Giants Games, Two Awesome Days.

All I need in this life are friends, baseball, love, and laughter.

’nuff said.

LJ Archive | 4 Comments »