The Night Before the Carnival

Before I begin this entry, I’d like to thank Tenchi Muyo for the title. Tomorrow, or actually, since this entry is taking place after 0000 hours, TODAY I undergo the first of two midterms. Tomorrow is the second part, but even so, midterms back to back is kind of scary for someone like me, who hasn’t really done the whole school thing in over a year. In kind of a weird way, I feel as though I’m returning the state of mind I has during my high school days. I wouldn’t study, I wouldn’t do homework, I wouldn’t do anything except the day of the test. In looking back on my grades, and realizing how shitty I did back then, I’m trying to break myself of old habits to make sure I pull a 3.5+ GPA this quarter.

Japanese 3 is pretty tough. A lot tougher than I had anticipated with the near-rapid pace of instruction that is given us every day. Note taking has become something close to a martial art, with my already barely legible scrawl turning into a sort of funky shorthand that not even I can read. Between deciphering notes and trying to interact, I also work 44+ hours a week, so my free time is stretched pretty thin. They say that for every unit or hour you meet a week, you multiply that by three, and that’s how much homework or study time you should allocate each week. Fifteen units times three is forty-five hours. When exactly am I supposed to sleep? Obviously never.

I’ll put an end to that line of thought. Obviously no one forced me to go back to school. Well, that’s not entirely true. About two years ago, my mother got her master’s degree from San Jose State. After the graduation ceremony, my mom looked me square in the eye and threw down a gauntlet in the form of, “All right, now you have to get your doctorate.” Now, this really doesn’t apply too much; I had already intended to get my doctorate anyway. But even so, it sort of brought a little more pressure to bear than your normal aspiration or dream. Perhaps she was saying it in jest, even so, it still had a rather large impact on what her expectations are. As I’ve always said, there’s truth behind every joke, behind every jab.

But I’m still not going to blame my mother. In a roundabout way, though, I heard from my grandmother that mom told her that she was just waiting for me to get sick of working and go back to school full-time. Apparently, she’ll support me. I don’t right about that, though. I’ve been pretty independent and I’ve had my own income. Maybe I am living with her right now, but returning to a dependant state is a step in the wrong direction as far as I’m concerned. If I do go back to school full-time (which technically, I already am, with 15 units), I have to have some way to pay my bills and stuff. Even if I earn enough money to get myself out of debt, I don’t want an allowance, and I don’t want to feel like a heel around her. I already owe her enough, let’s not throw more onto the pile.

In conclusion, I’m beginning to feel the pangs of test anxiety. I fear there is too much to learn, and not enough time to fully digest it all. Even though I studied all week for it, I may defeat myself before the test even begins.

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