Love Changes Everything

by jetblack | Jul 26, 2005 | LJ Archive

The funny thing about crushes is that usually, I’ll suppress and dismiss them. Sometimes, they get squashed by perhaps a reality of the personality of the person I’m crushing on. Sometimes, I realize there’s just no way and I’ll defeat myself right then and there. Sometimes, they lead to a close friendship. Rarely do they ever seem to pan out.

I like to think of myself as a straightforward kind of person. I dislike playing mind games. I talk straight and prefer to be up-front about most everything. I play for keeps when my heart is on the line. I prefer inner beauty to outer beauty because looks are transitory. As a possessor of inner beauty only, I understand what’s it like to be dismissed because I’m overweight, so I try my hardest to keep superficial bullshit like looks and weight out of the picture.

As I said, I don’t think of myself as physically attractive in the slightest. What I lack in physical beauty I think I more than make up for in inner beauty, and that being said, whenever I find someone who is remotely interested in me, I can be pretty sure that they’re not interested in me because I look like Brad Pitt (when instead I look like maybe I ate Brad Pitt ;).

Enough with the self-deprecating humor and on to the good stuff.

I was looking for an equal: someone who could keep me on my toes intellectually, someone who could match my passion for some or all of my interests, and someone who had a deep heart.

I found that in (Julia).

We had met when I offered her a ride to ‘s birthday party back in the beginning of June. She was funny, smart, and charming. I doubt then she knew how much I enjoyed talking with her, but when I took her home from the party, I knew then that I wanted to learn more about her. As time went on and we became friends and began hanging out with each other in group situations and not, I started to feel the beginnings of a crush.

One Thursday afternoon, on a whim, I mentioned that I had a lunch break coming up and Julia mentioned she was bored and wanted to do something. I picked her up and we went to Pacifica’s beachfront Italian restaurant overlooking Rockaway Beach. I was in the middle of a particularly shitty-ass week at work, and so that ninety minute conversation and company literally turned my week around. I didn’t realize it then, but after that engaging exchange, I was in deep smit. Luckily, at Tap’s insistance, I invited her to the Friday night game that week at Pac Bell and she accepted. Before the game on Friday, I made a full disclosure to Tap, along with my reservations about her reciprocating my feelings.

Tap suggested that I tell her. I declined, for multiple reasons, including cowardice (which I will readily admit to), but the fact was that Julia is leaving for New York by the end of August/beginning of September. Did I really want to either a) admit my feelings, have her shoot me down and then have the rest of her time her be nothing by angsty bullshit or b) say nothing and have as much fun while she’s here? I chose B, because I’m a chickenshit.

We continued to keep in contact via LJ and AIM, and I was trying my best to keep my flirting to a minimum and my emotions as guarded as possible. Tap suggested that I tell her. I declined, again… because the chickenshit status had not yet changed. Two weeks later, Julia and I made plans to go to the Saturday night game where they were going to reitre Gaylord Perry’s number (36). My work week was sucking, but the light at the end of the tunnel was being at the game with her, and I was looking forward to it so much. Julia had been preoccupying my thoughts for nearly three weeks, now, and I knew then that perhaps it was much more than a simple infatuation… I was starting to recognize certain signs that I’d not felt in a long time; emotions that lay dormant and I thought were going to remain so.

After the game, I asked Julia if she wanted me to take her home, and to my delight, she said no. Instead, I pointed my trusty vehicle toward the Golden Gate Bridge, and we parked at the vista point. I love the vista point over looking the city, but it has a special place in my heart as being the site of where I made my one and only proposal. ALSO, since our “marriage” had been annulled, we had to go through another tollbooth and take the chance of getting remarried by the transit authority of California.

We sat there, by the bay and chatted… listened to the soundtack from Avenue Q that she made me a copy of (<3). The conversation, as it usually does, turned to relationships. I felt myself wanting to tell her everything, but I let the conversation continue without it until she had mentioned that she had been without a relationship in over six years. Six years. I said that I could not beleive that a person as attractive as she would be without a date or someone pursuing her (yeah, she already had one :P), and subsequently I told her that if she weren't moving to NYC, I'd ask her out. There was some silence in the car, followed by a quiet, "Really?" I said, "Absolutely." And just let it all out. After all, the chickenshit lameass caveat was still in the air, so I had some cover. More silence. I swear to you, I felt my heart convulsing in my chest. Before I could fill the silence with more chickenshittery, she said that she felt the same way about me and I remember that I wanted to sing because I was so damned happy. Even though she's moving to New York, and I'm going to be in California, we decided to make the most of the time she has left here. In truth, I'd rather do nothing but be with her every day, but that's not going to be possible, so we'll take as much as we can get. She and I have both expressed a severe dislike of long distance relationships, but in all honesty, I'd be willing to break my resolution for her, because she deserves more than to be a summer fling. No, I'm all in, people. I really am. I'm in love with Julia, and I'll be around for as long as she'll have me.