In baseball, when visiting teams come to town, they typically play a 2-4 game series with the home team at the home stadium. I think, back in ’89, I recall a 5-game series. Anyway, typically, what ends up happening is one of three outcomes: A sweep, which is either team winning all of the game of the series. A majority, where one team wins most of the games in the series, but not all. Or a split, which happens in those even numbered series, where neither team has a majority of victories over the other. Interestingly enough, the Giants and the Braves had a four-game series this week. Both teams walked away with winning two a piece.
And right now, that’s how I feel. I feel like a split series. Yeah sure, I win some and I lose some, but for some reason it feels like an appropriate metaphor for this week entirely. In the win column, my father’s in town. I’ve spent a lot of time with him this week, while he’s here. We caught a ball game on Monday night, I’ve introduced him to the wonders of my PlayStation 2. Now it’s gotten to the point where he’s waking me up just to play. I think he really just likes to play Grand Theft Auto 3 and run around in the cheater tank I get for him, so he can just blow away everything. It’s still a lot of fun, though. In the loss column, there’s a couple of things. My car registration is already a month late, though the DMV never mailed me the renewal forms. I called today to get it settled, and it looks like I’m going to have to fork over a little over 600 dollars tomorrow morning. I had planned on using that money for my trip, but to be honest, I’m not going to drive 520 miles to Long Beach this summer with no tags on my license plate. That’s just begging for worse pain, such as my car impounded or something similar. I can just imagine that on I-5, too.
Also, I would have to say that I’ve been feeling this overwhelming sense of loneliness that I’m unable to pinpoint so I can just get on with my life. There’s been no real anniversary of something important, or conscious reason. I just stayed up on Tuesday night and just felt it so strongly, that I remember just wanting to curl up with a pillow and pretend it was actually someone. I wasn’t feeling horny or restless, I just had this overwhelming need to cuddle. Like this huge emptiness inside and there was no way to cure it or make it go away. Eventually, it did go away, though. I buried myself in WNOHGB, building a gigantic ship and merely taking my mind off of it. I expressed this problem to a couple of friends online, but really, that was just venting. One thing I hate most about venting, it solves nothing. But in this case, it was the most I could do short of going out and buying a cat just to hold it for a night and then take it back. I’m horrible with pets, I really shouldn’t own one… maybe just rent one for a little while until I don’t need it anymore. Cats I like most, because they’re independent and aren’t all that needy like dogs tend to be. I grew up with a champion trainer for a father, so I grew up with dogs. I turned out to be a cat person, go figure.
I’m not looking for love. Honest. Last night, I sat down and thought a great deal about what I wanted. On a side note, this is kind of pointless, because we really can’t just pick and choose who we end up with. I’m a firm believer in the whole things-happening-for-a-reason school of thought. I have a certain amount of faith in my choices, and the destiny I create based on those choices. But I digress… In thinking about this whole loneliness thing, I was trying to ascertain whether or not I was pining over a particular someone. My immediate answer was no, because it wasn’t a yearning for her, really. I just wanted a warm body right then, and it could’ve been a woman or a pet. I just felt very alone and very aware of that emotion. Of course, I’ll stress that I would not have wanted a male friend to curl up with… so that much I could say. What I want right now is to just have my friendships, maybe a little emotional intimacy from time to time, but I don’t believe I’m ready for anything more than that right now. With my current frame of mind and the stresses I’m going through, having to maintain a good relationship would add more to my plate than relieve me any. Well, maybe at first, but relationships are something to be maintained, not created, accepted, and then left alone. There’s a lot of upkeep involved, and you have to want to do it.
With that said, I’m curious to see how long this particular conviction holds up. So far, I think it’s been going pretty strong since I broke up with Marla. The manner of that particular breakup is so fresh in my mind, it’s helping me to maintain my mindset about just being me for a good long while. Ever since my divorce, I’ve been having to relocate me. I know that sounds strange, but when you’re married or in a relationship of an exceptionally long duration, you tend to no longer be yourself. You kind of merge personalities. Your likes, your dislikes, your attitude; they all undergo a redefinition to suit that relationship. Your priorities change significantly, as well. Some of us guys don’t like to admit that, I have no idea why, but giving up certain things we’ve grown accustomed to over the years of being single, we find it so difficult to give up. But sometimes, we’re convinced to do so and we realize that it’s not so bad. I have my hobbies, though. My hobbies define me at times, so I’d be hard-pressed to give them up, but during my marriage, I recall making some sacrifices. Some. Not a lot. Some. Today? I wouldn’t give up my hobbies unless they were in direct conflict with my wedding vows. How is my anime fandom in direct conflict? Well, money-wise I guess it is. I tend to go berserk over new anime. Though, I’m mellowing with that. Shit, I think the last anime DVD I bought was Otaku no Video, except I preordered and paid for that back in fucking January, so eh… Oh, no wait, I did buy Princess Nine volume three about 40 days ago or so, so I guess that’s still not too bad. With my AX trip coming up, I’m trying to tighten up the small frivolous costs for the BIG frivolous cost of driving down, staying in Long Beach for four days and four nights… eating, drinking, having fun… and of course, buying anime.
If I did get married again, my wife would have to have the patience of fucking Buddha. Well, er… let’s not start talking about future marriages just yet.
1. What’s one thing you wish you could do but can’t?
Be omniscient.
2. What do you want to be remembered as?
I would simply like to be remembered.
3. What is your ideal marriage location?
Anywhere but Reno, Nevada.
4. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Brass instruments.
5. What’s your favorite sexual position?
It’s a toss-up between woman-on-top or sixty-nine.
6. Favorite fabric?
Flannel.
7. Something you love and hate?
My car. I love driving it, but I hate all the crap that comes with being a car owner.
8. What kind of bedding do you use?
Maroon cotton sheets that Abbie bought me a year and a half ago.
9. What kind of soap do you use?
Zest.
10. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
Depends on the friend.
11. What’s the one language you want to learn?
I want to learn all Asian languages, eventually.
12. How do you eat an apple?
Like one should. hold it by the core and sink your teeth into it.
13. What do you order at a bar?
Roy Rogers, which is the fancy name for Cherry Coke.
14. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Fuck, no.
15. Do you have tattoos?
See #14.
16. Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted?
Sure.
17. What’s one of the “funnest” things you’ve ever done?
Anime Expo. And I keep going back for more every year.
18. What do you dislike about your life?
Nothing about my life sticks out as being particularly dislikable.
19. What’s one trait you hate in a person?
A lack of straightforwardness.
20. What’s the best thing about the opposite sex?
The hidden/unseen strength.
21. What kind of watch do you wear?
I don’t. I usually use my cell to keep track of the time.
22. Most frivolous purchase?
I buy CDs to listen to one track.
23. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
Only in the sense that I like to have things.
24. What do you cook the best?
According to Abbie, I don’t ‘cook’. However, my grandmother loves it when I cook Hamburger Helper.
25. Favorite writing instrument?
Black ball-point pens.
26. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Stand out.
27. Do you have anything monogrammed?
My personal checks.
28. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
See #14.
29. What`s one car you will never buy?
Any American automobile.
30. Have you ever done drugs?
I was once in the vicinity of people smoking pot. But no, I don’t even like to do alcohol.
31. What kind of books do you like to read?
Science-Fiction. Historical Fiction. Naval History.
32. If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
Pay off all my debts.
33. Burial or cremation?
Cremation.
34. How many online journals do you read regularly?
I’d say about 15-20.
35. What’s one thing you’re a sore loser at?
Any contest where my musical ability is tested.
36. If you don`t like a person, how do you show it?
By being distant and/or brushing them off.
37. How many drinks before you’re tipsy?
Never found out, nor do I care to.
What the hell happened to #38?
39. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
Yep.
40. Do you cry in front of friends?
Yep.
41. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
I have no idea.
42. What’s one thing you like to do alone?
Read.
43. What’s the worst thing you ever said to someone?
I’ve lost track of all the times I’ve been a complete asshole and said something horrible to them without thinking.
44. Are you a giver or a taker?
Both.
45. What have you stolen before?
I once stole a little die-cast toy from a grocery store when I was 8. I ended up burying it in the backyard because I felt too guilty about playing with it.
46. When is the right time to go to the bathroom in front of your significant other?
Once you cross into the realm of physical intimacy, I think you’re pretty much safe unless informed otherwise.
47. Favorite communication method? phone, or in person.
Phone, online messaging, email, in person.. it’s all good.
48. What is one thing you don’t leave home without?
My car keys, my ID, my cell phone.
49. What is one book that you could read over and over?
I have two. The Caine Mutiny, by Herman Wouk. The French Admiral, by Dewey Lambdin.
50. What’s the most painful experience you’ve ever had?
When I was in the eighth grade, I had some sort of intestinal disorder that provided me with about three months of intensely painful cramps. Felt kind of like trying to pass razor blades.
