As with last year, I am once again working on my birthday. This makes three years running that I’ve done so. It sucks, but what can you do? At least I get the next two days off from work to recuperate from having to work a swing and then a grave shift back to back.

This year’s birthday is preceded by a couple of weeks worth of endless frustration and unhappiness, so I can’t really say that I’m all too happy about turning twenty-nine years old today. My work situation continues to grate on my nerves and I’m lacking my typical distance and cool; causing me to actually be angry and furious at people. For those that know me really well, also know that I don’t typically exhibit rage or stress publicly, so I’m wondering what changed to alter my ability to keep a tight grip on my emotional control. Because lately it’s just not there anymore, and I’m worried that my temper of old will become a prevalent part of my personality. If that’s the case, then we’re doomed.

So, the year in review: I went to Anime Expo 2004. I continue to work at Walmart. I made a mess of new friends. I ran another major anime convention. I stayed true to my notion of being single and have been so for the past fourteen months. I continue to do my radio show. I wrote a huge chunk of my novel.

As I sit here at my workstation, I’ve reread my entry from last year and I’m realizing that not a whole lot of things have changed. I remain employed here in a thankless job (though last year I was grateful to have it in the first place). Some changes include: I quit JTAF late last year. I travelled to Philadelphia for two weeks in Feburary. I’m closer to finishing Knight Commander now than I was this time last year. I closed WNOHGB after seven years. I started Baseball Bias which opens tomorrow morning. And I started Crimson Claws with a good friend to begin publishing role-play adventures on the side.

So let’s talk some of the points of the year. Being single has reacquainted me with me. Do I want to be in another relationship right now? Eh, not really. I have no real reason to want to be involved with anyone right now, and it’s not very likely that I will ever be involved with anyone ever again. I think I’ve been told enough times in the last twelve months that I’m fairly unattractive, and not dating material. Okay, so partially that had to do with me not even looking at that time, and those comments were pretty unsolicited, but it’s not like they don’t sting any less because of my decisions. It sure does seem to reinforce my decision to be alone, though. I’d rather it be my decision than be forced in that position.

Writing. I feel like I’ve been far more productive on this point than any other. There was that two-week stretch of nearly non-stop writing that got me from chapter five to ten (a full third) of the novel I’m working on. Add in a few more writing projects and I don’t I’ll ever run out of ideas to use or stories to tell. I did abandon my pitiful attempt at writing porn, though. I just wasn’t in the mood to finish the story and everytime I thought about it, I got queasy just trying to not make the sex scenes seem so fucking lame. I hope to finish Knight Commander before the end of summer. I will shop it around shortly afterward and see what happens.

Emotionally. Barring the sudden bouts of rage lately, I’m all right. I still hate working graveyard, just like I am right now. My friends have been there for me to help keep me sane.

Physically. Still overweight. But see, I’m finding that it’s a good thing in some respects, because if anyone shows an interest in me, it’s going to be about who I am and not what I look like. I can cut through the superficial bullshit. I still work on dropping some weight, though, but mostly that’s just to keep myself hovering around 295 instead of being 375 like I was four years ago… so there’s been some progress made that I’m happy about.

In conclusion, this may be the last year of my natural life. I still beleive I’m going to die before I hit 30, so if I’m around to see my 30th birthday, color me surprised.

I’d better get to work on those life goals.

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