Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, Hate leads to… me getting sued by Lucasfilm, Ltd?

Do you ever notice that most of my moods tend to begin with an A, B, or C? This is probably because I’m so lazy, I won’t go any further unless it’s absolutely necessary. I tend to be amused, annoyed, awake, or accomplished. Today, though, I decided to go for a mood that was at the bottom of the list to break up to the monotony. Not that it’s not true or anything, when in fact, I am at work right now writing this up.

So what’s new, you might ask. This is almost shocking, to see so many posts from Cochrane clumped together day after day! Truth be told, I had not had much to write about. There’s only so much you can shove into a diary or a journal if you write every day. I think there was a 10 day interval that passed by between entries this month, and of course, I’m totally missing all my LJ buddies, like , for example. Just as she’s leading her life, I’m leading mine, and I just wish there was more time in the day to be able to sit down and chat with her. But, at least now she knows I’ve been thinking about her, so hopefully she’ll take some comfort in that for the time being. I’ll be done settling into my new place soon, and once that’s done, I’ll be available to chat again. This isn’t just for the Barbs, but also everyone else who’s been leaving unanswered IMs on my desktop. Let me just explain that I’ve been sleeping at my new apartment, and there’s no net access there until August 30th! So, I left all of my computers at my old place until either a) my desk gets built or b) my ISP’s field engineer drops by to install my router and stuff.

Since I have been sleeping over at the new place, I’ve also reacquainted myself with the mass amount of idiosyncratic bits of information that comes with living with a new roommate. Last night, I was feeling pretty much like utter and complete shit. I had had a conversation with an old friend online about what was going on in my life, and mentioning the whole bed buying experience brought up some emotions that I had thought I was either over or denied myself into a state of blocking it out. Either way, feeling the sense of missing something overwhelmed me so much that I was fighting off fits of anxiety. I started to get irritable, cranky, agitated, and generally annoyed at anyone and anything. When I unlocked the door to the apartment and walked in, I noticed that the living room was a fucking mess, and there was pretty much nothing or anyone I could blame for it. All of the boxes were lying about, taking up space; my TV stand was still laying in one of them, looking pathetic and begging to be built. Todd left the fan in the bathroom on, and I couldn’t turn on the living room light because he had turned it off at the lamp, instead of using the light switch at the door. It was just really annoying. I walked into the kitchen and tried to ignore the mess of dishes, and I opened the dishwasher and I couldn’t figure out if the dishes in there were clean or dirty. Rather than take a chance, I pulled a dish from the cupboard and had cereal. I sat down in my desk chair and watched the last half of a movie on DVD, while eating dinner. When Todd came home, I was so irritated with his arrival that I just lit right into him without even thinking.

I realized what I was doing, though. I stopped, and he just looked at me weirdly for a little bit before asking what was wrong. So, instead of moping around the apartment, we took a walk down to the Safeway and picked up some odds and ends. On the way back, I was ready to do a full disclosure on the day’s events and what was actually eating at me enough to just start acting like a psycho. I didn’t realize how thin of a line it was when it came to having to relive the whole failure of a marriage thing. I know I’ve written about this before, but every single time that I recognize that I’m not quite as over it as I thought I was, I tend to react in an angry fashion. What the hell happened to my resiliency? Where did it go? I recall there being a time when I would feel depressed for a small amount of time and then eventually I would pick myself up and learn how to walk again. Bah. I can’t give up, though. If I do that, then where would I be? It was not all her fault that things went the way they did, and I can’t look at this as a ‘I win/She loses’ situation. I would rather just look at it as a situation where we just decided to go our separate ways. Despite the intelligently objective outlook, subjectively… it still hurts. I think it’ll always hurt.

Which brings me to the ground floor of Cochrane’s Skyscraper O’ Emotions. What was it that was making me feel so empty? The discussion I held was about how Stephanie used to do a lot of things for me. A fact of which to mention that after she left me, I could not help but sit up and notice all of that. She did a great deal for me that I took for granted. The saying is so very true; you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone.

I’m glad Todd’s living with me, though. He’s been my best friend since high school, and I’ve always held him in such a regard oft reserved for a brother. I never had a brother growing up, but I’ve always felt that I had one ever since senior year at Leigh. I’m looking forward to this.

Related posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

%d bloggers like this: