It’s been a while since I’ve written in my livejournal, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t had much to say. Next month is November, and in keeping with tradition, I’m going to try and not let a single day go by without a livejournal entry, regardless of the length. For some reason, I’d like to maintain something over a long-term ideal, because it seems to me that nothing I do long-term works out the way I want it to.
Things are getting rougher every day, with school and lack of income. I’m down to the second-to-last wire as far as money is concerned. I have savings, but I really don’t want to touch it for fear of not having it later on hand. Living is just too damn expensive. Especially when you’re not the only one relying on your money. Every day costs me about $20-40 and on zero income, that’s an expensive way of life. I’ve been cutting down on driving, I went the entire weekend without getting into my car, which was amazing for me, considering how much I love to drive. Hanging around at home, I still spend money anytime anyone eats. We order pizza or have to go across the street to buy food. Every time I have to dip into my severance is another day I just shake my head and get more worried.
Am I looking for work? If you knew how much time I spent studying every day just to keep my GPA up, I think you’d understand how difficult it would be to add job hunting into the mix. I really want to finish this quarter with a higher GPA than Spring. I really want to be able to finally move forward with my education, rather than investing in a quarter, then taking a break for a year and then coming back to try again. I hate that every time I try my best to get a degree, something or someone comes along and fucks that up. Whether it’s getting laid off, or not having the money, or whatever. I want my B.A. so bad, I’m actually considering going for grants and moving back in with my mom to help defray costs.
That may sound selfish, for the most part, but to be honest and as a result of a conversation with a friend, maybe I am too big-hearted when it comes to people. I’ve sacrificed a great deal personally for others (when the list was drawn out during this conversation, my eyes were wide open), both emotionally and financially. The instinct to lend a helping hand overrides my sense of logic or reason. I will sacrifice my comfort for the chance to give someone a roof over their head, or whatever. I don’t know why I go to extremes over it, I just do. And when I do, it makes others not involved shake their head at me and question the decision. Why is it that I would sacrifice my financial status so easily? Later, after having made the decision, I come face to face with the very real consequences of that decision, and end up having to take a hit somewhere else in order to conpensate for it. The truth of the matter is, it doesn’t make me angry for doing it, I just deal with it and move on.
How others view me isn’t important. And the friend I had the discussion with, though his opinion means a lot to me, doesn’t always coincide with the way I view the world or others around me. Sure, I have my cranky moments and will try to shove myself into a dark dank hole for a while in order to get my bearings, but on the whole I generally like the company of others. I’m social, I like people, I like conversation and debate. I have no idea where I was going with this point.
Do I want to go back to the industry? Not if I can help it. In all likelihood, I will end up doing the same damn thing I was doing before, though, given the circumstances and the prospect of working and having an income again. There’s very little doubt in my mind that I’m not good at what I do. Sure, I can lazy at times, but the passion that drives at the heart of my endeavors prevents laziness on a larger scale than most, more importantly, the short-term nature of projects helps me focus a lot better than trying to carry out an annual project where I think I have more time than I really do and end up rushing the shit out of it when the deadline nears. I think that’s why I really loved journalism. The short-term deadlines were something I thrived on, because it forces one to really focus on something in a short amount of time. After a while, I think I even began to become addicted to the rush of adrenaline in creatively accomplishing certain assignments, much like schoolwork has been. History from last quarter is certainly a good example, as well as macroeconomics this quarter. I would much rather deal with a job that keeps me busy on a moment-to-moment basis, rather than fall into a periodic fashion, and promote the ability to procrastinate. Keep me thinking on a momentary basis and you’ve got one of the best workers you’ll ever see, and then some.
I guess that’s one of the reasons I have issues with WNOHGB. It’s very much a long-term project that requires focus over long periods of time can be draining. Every now and again, it’s necessary for me to recharge. It’s funny, because certain others will call it ‘waves of activity.’ That may not be far from the truth, in actuality. I don’t really like it being called high tide or low tide, but when high tide sets in, shit gets done. And when multiple high tides coincide, major shit gets done like you cannot beleive. Though that happens on rare occasion. Anyway, WNO is currently suffering from multiple high tides right now, so a lot of us are going to ride the tide for as long as we can, which is nice. Major shit is getting done over there, behind the scenes.
My writing hasn’t suffered much. I published chapter four of the current novel recently, and only receive singular feedback on it, which is to say that it was brief and not very constructive other than to say It’s Good. That’s an annoyance unto itself, because I’d like to hear what about it is good. It’s difficult to equate positive feedback with constructive feedback because it’s easier for us to tear down than to compliment. I find that funny sometimes and frustrating at others. One of the reasons I have a select few people whom I consider true editors and reviewers. Others I’ll not consider much of what they have to say because they don’t say much to begin with. I’m enjoying this other high tide right now a lot because I’ve been exploring different facets of the characters in my story. I actually am looking forward to finishing chapter five, which should be a whole lot of a fun to put together. By the way: I realize that I have little time to write, but when your eyes go blind on textbooks, writing is therapuetic enough to allow you to return to studying. It’s true. One more note: My poetry sucks ass.
We take the little victories we can in life. I’m no different than anyone else. The minor confrontations are as important to me as the big ones, though the big one take considerably larger efforts than your mundane battles that you face. It’s all about momentum and morale. The morale of a person is based on the momentum of vitory, until the moment comes when you swing around to take care of all the large objectives you left behind. I’m winning the small battles, moving on to the medium-sized ones and tackling the huge ones later. They’ll keep until I turn my attention to them, and when I do, I will have the necessary momentum to crush them like bugs. The reverse angle of the small battles comes when you look back and help them to define who you are. I was watching The Matrix Reloaded last night and there was a line from the movie that went something like, “You don’t really know a person until you fight them.” I could not beleive how true that was, on many levels. Recently, there’s been a confrontation between two of my friends, and without a resolution in sight so far. Mostly due to a lack of communication, but then a lack of communication and understanding seems to be at the heart of the confrontation itself. Is it a battle? You bet. It’s not mine, but I recognize it as a battle of pride and ego more than anything else.
From where I stand, when you work together as a group, you come to understand certain aspects of the job itself as well as those who’ve signed on to work alongside you. Maybe there’s an essence of comraderie, sometimes it returns bonds of friendship that last for quite some time. Not everyone bonds easily, though, and in some cases, people have intimacy issues unless the circumstances are right. One side is willing to sit down and resolve it, the other has gone unresponsive. It’s funny, but I think the reason behind the problem is too petty to be taken seriously. As a writer, I like to choose my words carefully, but also as a writer, I recognize that others may or may not be as well-versed in vocabulary to be able to express themselves properly. So, in keeping with the friendliness of understanding, as many others have, they don’t hold everyone to whatever they say because often enough times, people don’t understand how best to express whatever it is they need to express. That kind of inflexibility works against the group dynamic at times, and it’s working against it right now. Sure, egos get mussed and pride must be satisfied, but sometimes it’s easier and more rewarding to swallow pride and admit the truth. Especially when one side is offering their apologies and trying desperately the correct the situation. But hey, it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round, so why should this be any different? The overall opportunity to resolve this battle is going to be open no matter what, because the one side in question is too forgiving to not allow it. That’s another thought entirely, though.
The randomness is just beginning…