Of Late Night Conversations and Contemplating the Future

The first couple of hours of today were spent talking with someone I didn’t really know all that well until the conversation came to a close. I find it most intriguing and fascinating about how much information can pass within the matter of minutes. Opinions, justifications, personal history and experience. I didn’t sense any posturing or superiority from the other person at all. It was rather like a free exchange of ideology or perspectives. Nothing more.

Of course, I’ve always tended to bond with people rather easily. That’s the part of me that my mother refers to as part of the heritage of being my grandfather’s grandson. My grandfather was a father to me during my most formative years. This would be between birth and the age of ten, when he died from a heart attack, right in front of me. All of my life lessons were learned from him, I always held his words in the highest regard. In a sense, when my mother tells me I remind her of her father, I feel a sense of pride. I try to live my life in the only way I know how, but in the back of my mind, I have always wondered if the way in which my life turned out would make him proud. I suspect that despite the low points, he would be. At least, that’s what my grandmother tells me.

Anyway, the conversation was just really good. Given the opportunity, I’d definitely like to talk more, but as the hour grew late and the responses came a little more paused, we had to table it for another time. I’m looking forward to it.

On a related topic, as this was kind of the topic of conversation, I began sort of thinking about the whole relationship thing again. As you’ll recall back in the post about romantic comedies, I waxed philios at you. In truth, it was simply a reaction toward being reminded of old times past. Looking back, it’s been about four months since my last relationship. I have to sort of shake my head about it at times. Given the nature and type, it was doomed from the start, but the romantic in me wanted so much for it to succeed. I despise failure, even though I seem to be mired in it from time to time. In the end, I think things progressed far above their normal speed, and that led to me feeling rushed and uncomfortable. Reading into things, being more sensitive than usual. Also, that whole fear of rejection comes on strong right after a kind of bitter divorce, huh? Doesn’t exactly help matters any at all. Not that I’m accepting all the blame, it does take two to tango. Just that I’m sure I could’ve handled things a little better or perhaps ended it a lot earlier than I did. Instead of feeling so driven to make things work. Should’ve went with my gut feeling that time. Shoulda, woulda, coulda… doesn’t change the past, it just makes regret taste all that more foul.

Following the end, there, I made a lot of snap decisions. One, no more online relationships, period. Later, though, it was made obvious through conversation with some friends that the same thing has happened without it being started online, so singling out the Internet was kind of a bullshit maneuver. Two, no more relationships for the next six months. Admittedly, this was on the advice of a good friend of mine, who just wanted me to take some time to consider things and get a grip. To my very good friend, who knows exactly who she is: I’ve got a grip, now. And it only took four months. By the way, you need to call me. Three, no one under the age of twenty-four. This was thrown out thanks to another good friend, who drove a rather intelligent point home to me. The reason behind this rule was because I was sick and tired of dealing with girls, and not women. By girls, I mean it in the same capacity as women say boys and not men. Immature, inconsiderate, whiny, complacent children. As it was illustrated to me, there are very immature 30 year-olds out there, so age shouldn’t play a major role. There are some nineteen year olds with a good head on their shoulders and maturity to match. Four, she’s got to like scifi and Anime. This one I’m keeping! Sorry. It’s true. If I can’t share those interests, then it’s pretty much a hopeless thing to pursue.

So, in light of all this, what are the rules? The rules are… there are no rules. I still need intelligence and maturity, don’t get me wrong. Those are paramount in any good relationship. After all is said and done, you’re left with the conversations and debates. That’s what matters most, is the communication. Getting over the fears and learning the other person. Swim around in their heart and see how deep it goes, or better yet if you even touch bottom. Would that I could, I would want to swim in a soul mate’s heart for the rest of my life and never touch bottom. That much depth would be absolutely amazing. The other rules are mostly about acceptance. Accepting me for who I am, and not who I might be. She’s got to be able to deal with that. I’m of a certain mindset that if I can’t accept or compromise, then there’s just no point. Otherwise, I’m just going to be one very frustrated and pissed off person to deal with all the time. A relationship can’t work under those circumstances. I have to accept her for who she is, and she me. End, period, paragraph.

Anyway… if that person who I talked to reads this sometime later… then let me take the opportunity to thank that person here. It made me think a lot about the past and the future, and I think maybe now after having discussed that with you, it presented me with a clearer understanding. Further, I’d be very happy to continue to talk as a friend.

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1 comment

    • anonymous on April 27, 2002 at 14:31

    You know you are enjoying a converstation when you look up at the clock and realize that it’s 4am, you have to work in five hours and you have to literally convience yourself that you -must- go to bed.

    I really enjoyed our coversation last night as well. Sometimes it helps when you know that others out there have suffered in like and you can chat about your common problems and find common resolutions. And as I mentioned to you just before I wrote this, friends are something to treasure, and I always welcome more. So talk to you soon.


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